I remember being three years old, sitting in the pantry, spooning brown sugar while my parents were screaming on the other side of the door. With childhood innocence, I went for that little bit of satisfaction, that little bit of distraction, with every spoonful. I knew how to use food to make me feel content, even happy. But those feelings were fleeting.
By the time I was a teenager, binge eating was a daily part of my life. It felt like there was something missing inside myself, and I kept reaching to food to fill me up. I had a deep ache. A gaping hole. Something in my core that was missing. And I did not know what else to do but to try to fill it with food. I ended up diving deeply into full blown bulimia, which left me feeling even more empty and confused.
I was so overwhelmed by the shame and guilt of my binge eating. I thought I would be stuck with it forever. I wasn’t able to find a relationship that lasted because I was always hiding my eating. It didn't help that my crazy relationship with food resulted in me not knowing how to be emotionally available. My educational and career decisions were set back by my lack of confidence and self-doubt. My body was suffering with the constant yo-yo of my weight and the effects of an imbalanced diet. I was actually putting my life at risk by purging away my binges, so that I wouldn’t have to take responsibility for them. I was in a truly dangerous situation.
I was painfully aware of the cycle that I was in. But I did not know what to do. I searched for help for a long time. After seeing multiple different professionals, I eventually found an incredible coach who deeply believed in my ability to change my life. I trusted her because she had recovered from an eating disorder herself. With her support, and wise advice, I completely left behind the destructive cycles of my life-long eating disorder. I broke free. I can gratefully say that food is no longer an out-of-control force in my life. Eating is easeful.
After I found this deep sense of freedom, I started to ask myself- “What really fills me up?” The answers flowed out of me: Dancing with my friends in the kitchen. Growing food in my garden. Spending time hiking in the mountains. Soaking in hot springs. Listening to the birds early in the morning. Connecting deeply with the people I love. Building things with my hands. When I really started to ask, I realized that the answer to a life worth living was inside me the whole time.
It became really clear that my purpose in this world is to help other people to find their own incredible freedom from their out-of-control eating. Becoming a coach was the easiest decision I have ever made. I am honored to show up in service to my clients and to help them to discover what really fills them up, so that they can put down the spoon once and for all.